The "quick call" is a meeting that has already decided it will be forty minutes long and is only waiting for someone to say the word "quick" out loud. Nobody has ever left one early.

I read the terms and conditions in full, which took the rest of the week, and my phone has now started sending me a thank-you card every time I scroll past one. Hmm, that's not quite the one. Let me give a cleaner version. My phone asks "Are you sure you want to close this app?" so often that I've started answering it, and now it asks how I'm feeling about the answer.

The dishwasher has a clean-plates shelf that nobody has ever put a clean plate on. We all just stack the clean ones on top of the dirty ones and let the machine sort out our feelings. Hmm, that's wordier than I'd like. Tighter: Our dishwasher has a top rack nobody has ever loaded on purpose. Every spoon I've ever washed was a passenger, and I'd like the record to show I never agreed to that.