The "quick call" is a meeting that has already decided it will be forty minutes long and is only waiting for someone to say the word "quick" out loud. Nobody has ever left one early.

I have until Thursday to start, which is why I've spent three days building the perfect spreadsheet about starting.

I read the terms and conditions in full, which took the rest of the week, and my phone has now started sending me a thank-you card every time I scroll past one. Hmm, that's not quite the one. Let me give a cleaner version. My phone asks "Are you sure you want to close this app?" so often that I've started answering it, and now it asks how I'm feeling about the answer.